She tilts her head to one side and stares at me with saucer brown eyes. She blinks and waits for me to catch up to her words.

Am I happy? Yes I’m happy. Are you happy?

She never answers, but she always smiles.

It got me thinking, am I happy? I want to give her a thought out  complicated answer, but she’s three and therefore unable to navigate the interior of my mind.

Yes, Sunny I am happy.

I’m happy because I got what I wanted. I’m happy because I live in the city I love. I’m happy because I’m married to the man of my dreams. I’m happy because you were all I ever wished for and now you exist. I’m happy because at one point I thought I’d never get “here” and now I’m here. I’m happy because I wished for Saint and I got him too. I’m happy because I didn’t think I could make this work from home thing work and I have. I’m happy because when I was in high school and babysat for a family with four kids, I watched the Mom walk around her home barefoot on hardwood floors and somehow that made me think she was the luckiest woman in the world, and now I walk on barefoot hardwood floors in my own house and I feel like accomplished something. I’m happy because this was my dream and it’s come true. I’m happy with your Dad- and you need to know that. You need to know that love is bigger than the day you say I do, so much bigger than that one day. I’m happy because I’m proud of myself and you need to hear that, because you need to be proud of the woman you will someday become. I’m happy because what I didn’t make I created, and when I wasn’t who I thought I should be I changed, and when I wanted more I pursued it, and when I met the man that would become your Dad I loved him, and we made you, and you made us a family, and your brother made us complete, and even though I don’t know what’s next, I’m happy because we’ll get there together.

So yes Sunshine girl, I’m very happy.

Oh April, how I adore you.  You are the month of green. We celebrated Saint’s 9 months of life in your 30 days. We rediscovered our backyard, planted a garden, and had multiple picnics with friends (alive and imaginary). We basked in your sweet wind, watched our trees bloom leaves, rolled our windows down and our sleeves up. You brought fresh air, fresh attitudes,  and new life. We thank you for your beauty April.

Toddlers are tough and ask 100 million questions.They’re cute to strangers and you spend a lot of time trying to find you within them, only to see that they are 100% you- if you had no filter, didn’t care what anyone walking this Earth thought of you, and if you didn’t know everything you were “supposed” to be. They don’t get gender roles, which is why a 3 year old girl will quickly sass, boss, and throw attitude your way. You apologize and quickly regret apologizing and then look that same little girl dead in the eye and say “live your life like a very strong woman or a very gay man- be interesting.”

Work is fun, but it’s work. Work out of the home, in the home, around the home- it’s all hard work. Work/life balance is nearly never balanced, but don’t let that stop you from trying to get it right. You can do it. You can do anything.

Husbands are kind, and sometimes miss the early train home and sometimes that’s really really tough. Then you see them walking up the street and it’s as if God sent manna and honey down from heaven. You’ll think thank God he’s here. You’ll feel so relieved but truthfully you just want their company- because kids don’t ask their Dad for anything, it’s like a rule or something.

Motherhood is overwhelming. You have these small children who need you constantly for EVERY LITTLE THING and you want to throw a fit right next to them, and then you want your own Mommy. And then you look at their little faces and you can’t remember sleepless nights or the fact that 10 minutes ago they screamed at you over the wrong water cup, and all you can think is where did you come from you weird and wonderful little creature?

Motherhood is unforgiving, never ending, and completely amazing all at once.  If a hospital offers you drugs, take them. My kids were both natural births but if it’s much nicer to come into this world to a calm Mama and no screaming- think about it.

Overall enjoy your life where ever you are right in this moment. If you are not happy right now, in this instant, with whatever you have- you will not be happy with much much more. Be interesting. That’s my advice. Drop the mic.

This little girl missed me a lot.

She had some new “moves” to show me.  She can contort her body into letters, shapes, and numbers.

Then she asked me to show her my new moves. I’m 30 plus sweetie- I have no new moves.

She dresses herself these days.

The result is that, she often looks like a Michael Jackson impersonator.

And this little man…

This is how he rolls. He literally stayed in this position throughout our entire grocery trip this week.

He ate a doughnut, while laying down in the cart, while in his pj’s.

Word on the street is that I am up for mother of the year.

Yep- filthy dirty. Some Mama’s would wipe off that sugar coated child, me, I take pictures.

*Special Note: Saint said Mama this week and now when we say YEAH! He claps. In fact if he hears clapping he claps- Ellen makes him extremely anxious, I had to turn it off because he couldn’t keep up with all the clapping. He get’s tired easily.

I missed these little people.

]]> http://littlelovestories.com/archives/3310/feed 0 http://littlelovestories.com/archives/3298 http://littlelovestories.com/archives/3298#comments Fri, 19 Apr 2013 11:32:35 +0000 admin http://littlelovestories.com/?p=3298 I love watching you dance at ballet.

And even though last week was the worst meltdown of your entire life…my entire life,

I promise I won’t throw you under the bus when we go back and everyone asks me, what happened to you last week?

I promise to stand by you.

I know your heart.

I see what you see.

At 9 months you are a curious little somebody, eating twigs, leaves, bananas, and watermelon ( mostly).

You are clingy like a koala bear, I often call you Monkey Man, because you refuse to be put down…unless it’s to eat.

You don’t yet crawl, occasionally you’ll scoot. Your entertained almost exclusively by your sister.

We tell you things, show you the world, but the expression on your face reads Jude is not impressed.

Last night I told Daddy how I believe you are a lightening rod of emotion. You receive energy and feelings from the people and events taking place around you. Where there is unrest in the world, there is unrest within you. Where there is joy in our home, there is joy within you. I believe this to be your most valuable gift.

You are slow and deliberate with your actions. You are peaceful and calm and beautiful and serene. You are my heart, at the root of where my best self lives.

You are God, at the root of who I believe God to be- that’s the best way I can describe you now to your future self.

There is something magical within your soul that radiates light and absorbs the energy all around you.

You’re a magical, mystical being who we love. And more than that, you’re who we need.

Happy 9 months Saint.

Easter was a success.

Even Saint got into the action wearing his first ever, little man clothes.

And of course Miss. Sunshines bow was flown in, her shoes were ordered,  her outfit was planned out-

this kid is going to think everyone in her life should adorn her with gifts, treats, and bouncy houses!

Hunting Eggs

Sunny age 3, Saint age 8 months

Where there is dancing, there is Sunny.

The boy and me.

Many of you think my Dad and Saint are twins, well here you go…proof.

Nana & Papa

If you’re friends with my parents, it’s safe to say this will be their Christmas card 2013.

One of my favorite photos, I’ll let you guess who bought Sunny her Easter dress!

The kid loves a  butterfly, especially one painted onto her arm!

Hunting Eggs

This kid loves a good party.

A little wagon ride…

Papa & Saint

Cupcakes from Auntie Cheryl

This is a kid who knows how to relax and enjoy life in the Sunshine.

Written in the sand and among the stars.

Back at home, 19 hours later.

I’m behind…I’d say more but those of you who read often already know that’s not news.

More naked baby shots and some brother/sister love shots.

Before we left for vacation my daughter helped me try on my dresses, pants, and swimsuits.

She’s very helpful in showing me our distant future, I’ll buy things and then she’ll steal them. Having a girl is a lot of fun.

We spent a night in a hotel on the way out of town- there should be 7 hundred more pics from that adventure- only I think they’re on Matt’s cell phone, so settle for some more naked pics of my son.

And before we knew it we were visiting Nana and Papa.

We went to a local petting zoo- which is all Sunshine talks about. Her preschool teacher asked me if my parents live on a farm…

Nope. Not even close.

Lucky for us the Easter Bunny made an appearance.

My daughter rode a horse.  Well…a mini horse, but still.

Saint is Batman, but way, way ,way, cuter.

And though the weather didn’t get up past 75 all week, we’re very lucky there’s an indoor pool.

Matt spent A LOT of time in that indoor pool.

These little people are getting so big so quick. These photos already look old compared to the way they look right now in this moment.

There’s much more. Be back soon.

MARCH 2013

Oh March..such a tease.

You silly little flirt of a month.

You’re hot then your cold, you’re yes then you’re no, you’re in then you’re out, it’s black then it’s white…

You brought us more snow, and a few first glimpses of spring. A baby who sleeps 1.5 hours in his crib every night,  a toddler who can put on all her own clothes, coats, and shoes. A spring break vacation to SC, and work on top of work on top of work.  You gave us an hour time change, that caused a spiritual change in this Mama, thank you for that.

You’re the month of transition, new beginnings, and fresh starts. We’ll see you next year.

I used to think the world revolved around just you, now I know it revolves around just you and just your brother.

If it ever seems like something, anything, is bigger than you I’m sorry…If I ever seem preoccupied know I’m trying to be a better editor so I can be a better mother and role model to you.

If I teach you anything it’s to marry the man who stands up to authority but calls you for confirmation, love your family and hold tight to them, when all else fails call your best girlfriend and make cookies until the morning; everything is better in the morning. Stare into your youngest child’s eyes and pray he’ll stay little a little longer, eat a little bit of everything, and if possible read the signs, a small red robin has been chasing me for weeks- what do you suppose that means?

Little Woman, I love you. All of you. You’re the happiest accident there ever was. #thatisall