Sunny has taken to asking me, Mama, are you happy?

She tilts her head to one side and stares at me with saucer brown eyes. She blinks and waits for me to catch up to her words.

Am I happy? Yes I’m happy. Are you happy?

She never answers, but she always smiles.

It got me thinking, am I happy? I want to give her a thought out  complicated answer, but she’s three and therefore unable to navigate the interior of my mind.

Yes, Sunny I am happy.

I’m happy because I got what I wanted. I’m happy because I live in the city I love. I’m happy because I’m married to the man of my dreams. I’m happy because you were all I ever wished for and now you exist. I’m happy because at one point I thought I’d never get “here” and now I’m here. I’m happy because I wished for Saint and I got him too. I’m happy because I didn’t think I could make this work from home thing work and I have. I’m happy because when I was in high school and babysat for a family with four kids, I watched the Mom walk around her home barefoot on hardwood floors and somehow that made me think she was the luckiest woman in the world, and now I walk on barefoot hardwood floors in my own house and I feel like accomplished something. I’m happy because this was my dream and it’s come true. I’m happy with your Dad- and you need to know that. You need to know that love is bigger than the day you say I do, so much bigger than that one day. I’m happy because I’m proud of myself and you need to hear that, because you need to be proud of the woman you will someday become. I’m happy because what I didn’t make I created, and when I wasn’t who I thought I should be I changed, and when I wanted more I pursued it, and when I met the man that would become your Dad I loved him, and we made you, and you made us a family, and your brother made us complete, and even though I don’t know what’s next, I’m happy because we’ll get there together.

So yes Sunshine girl, I’m very happy.

AMAZING APRIL

Oh April, how I adore you.  You are the month of green. We celebrated Saint’s 9 months of life in your 30 days. We rediscovered our backyard, planted a garden, and had multiple picnics with friends (alive and imaginary). We basked in your sweet wind, watched our trees bloom leaves, rolled our windows down and our sleeves up. You brought fresh air, fresh attitudes,  and new life. We thank you for your beauty April.

Babies are exhausting; even the most calm babies cry when put in their crib all alone. They smell good (like maple syrup if you’re Jude) and they cling to you like mini koala bears and that’s a little addictive. Babies are completely addictive. Your friends babies will feel like your babies until you have a baby and then you’ll be like, whoa! My own baby is AWESOMER. That’s not a word- but it’s the truth.

Toddlers are tough and ask 100 million questions.They’re cute to strangers and you spend a lot of time trying to find you within them, only to see that they are 100% you- if you had no filter, didn’t care what anyone walking this Earth thought of you, and if you didn’t know everything you were “supposed” to be. They don’t get gender roles, which is why a 3 year old girl will quickly sass, boss, and throw attitude your way. You apologize and quickly regret apologizing and then look that same little girl dead in the eye and say “live your life like a very strong woman or a very gay man- be interesting.”

Work is fun, but it’s work. Work out of the home, in the home, around the home- it’s all hard work. Work/life balance is nearly never balanced, but don’t let that stop you from trying to get it right. You can do it. You can do anything.

Husbands are kind, and sometimes miss the early train home and sometimes that’s really really tough. Then you see them walking up the street and it’s as if God sent manna and honey down from heaven. You’ll think thank God he’s here. You’ll feel so relieved but truthfully you just want their company- because kids don’t ask their Dad for anything, it’s like a rule or something.

Motherhood is overwhelming. You have these small children who need you constantly for EVERY LITTLE THING and you want to throw a fit right next to them, and then you want your own Mommy. And then you look at their little faces and you can’t remember sleepless nights or the fact that 10 minutes ago they screamed at you over the wrong water cup, and all you can think is where did you come from you weird and wonderful little creature?

Motherhood is unforgiving, never ending, and completely amazing all at once.  If a hospital offers you drugs, take them. My kids were both natural births but if it’s much nicer to come into this world to a calm Mama and no screaming- think about it.

Overall enjoy your life where ever you are right in this moment. If you are not happy right now, in this instant, with whatever you have- you will not be happy with much much more. Be interesting. That’s my advice. Drop the mic.

I was away last weekend, in the city that grewed me up. More on that soon.

This little girl missed me a lot.

She had some new “moves” to show me.  She can contort her body into letters, shapes, and numbers.

Then she asked me to show her my new moves. I’m 30 plus sweetie- I have no new moves.

She dresses herself these days.

The result is that, she often looks like a Michael Jackson impersonator.

And this little man…

This is how he rolls. He literally stayed in this position throughout our entire grocery trip this week.

He ate a doughnut, while laying down in the cart, while in his pj’s.

Word on the street is that I am up for mother of the year.

Yep- filthy dirty. Some Mama’s would wipe off that sugar coated child, me, I take pictures.

*Special Note: Saint said Mama this week and now when we say YEAH! He claps. In fact if he hears clapping he claps- Ellen makes him extremely anxious, I had to turn it off because he couldn’t keep up with all the clapping. He get’s tired easily.

I missed these little people.

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I love watching you dance at ballet.

And even though last week was the worst meltdown of your entire life…my entire life,

I promise I won’t throw you under the bus when we go back and everyone asks me, what happened to you last week?

I promise to stand by you.

I know your heart.

I see what you see.