Sunny has taken to asking me, Mama, are you happy?
She tilts her head to one side and stares at me with saucer brown eyes. She blinks and waits for me to catch up to her words.
Am I happy? Yes I’m happy. Are you happy?
She never answers, but she always smiles.
It got me thinking, am I happy? I want to give her a thought out complicated answer, but she’s three and therefore unable to navigate the interior of my mind.
Yes, Sunny I am happy.
I’m happy because I got what I wanted. I’m happy because I live in the city I love. I’m happy because I’m married to the man of my dreams. I’m happy because you were all I ever wished for and now you exist. I’m happy because at one point I thought I’d never get “here” and now I’m here. I’m happy because I wished for Saint and I got him too. I’m happy because I didn’t think I could make this work from home thing work and I have. I’m happy because when I was in high school and babysat for a family with four kids, I watched the Mom walk around her home barefoot on hardwood floors and somehow that made me think she was the luckiest woman in the world, and now I walk on barefoot hardwood floors in my own house and I feel like accomplished something. I’m happy because this was my dream and it’s come true. I’m happy with your Dad- and you need to know that. You need to know that love is bigger than the day you say I do, so much bigger than that one day. I’m happy because I’m proud of myself and you need to hear that, because you need to be proud of the woman you will someday become. I’m happy because what I didn’t make I created, and when I wasn’t who I thought I should be I changed, and when I wanted more I pursued it, and when I met the man that would become your Dad I loved him, and we made you, and you made us a family, and your brother made us complete, and even though I don’t know what’s next, I’m happy because we’ll get there together.
So yes Sunshine girl, I’m very happy.