The 5 second wrap up: Saint had jaundice (correction is still battling jaundice ) and had to be readmitted into the hospital for light therapy. That sucked. Sunny is the best big sister in the entire world- loves loves loves our little Saint. She’s also super cool and wears her sunglasses to school and Target. Matt’s busy back at work and on bath & bed duty when he’s home, and I’m in Saintmode- which means all baby all the time.
Read More...Jude.
I’ve been thinking of what I’ll call this little man on this blog and how can I top “Sunshine” or, “Sunny”, as in THE SUN. Literally the light of this world, the fire ball our planet rotates around- hard to top or even compare too. Unless you’re Jude.
So we’ll call him Saint for the purpose of this blog. Saint Jude, my son. The greatest creation since sliced bread and fermented grapes. And yes for the record, I have definitely become that mother.
How can I properly introduce you to him. Lets start with this, he was two weeks early- what a good boy! An all natural birth- not even a tylenol. I went to the hospital for a check up at 10am, started laboring at 11am , went back to the hospital with Matt at 6:30pm, had my water broken at 7:30pm, and had Jude (ahem) Saint Jude at 8:40pm. All I remember ( besides the pain, that’s seared into my memory for life) is this warm red skinned little man. He was beautiful in that moment, he is so full of life in every moment since.
Did I ever tell you I wanted all girls? Don’t ask me why when I have a brother who I adore, but I did. I thought, how would I ever relate to a baby boy, but then I had Saint and God knows life opened up for me. How could I love anyone the way I love my Sainted boy. How I adore and love and cradle and obsess over this amazing little man. And it’s not just me- we are all equal parts- in love with him.
He is calm like still water. He is easy and wonderfully attentive and his eyes sparkle when they are open. He is quiet and cute, silent and strong, perfectly perfect in every possible way.
It’s true what they say, love expands. My cup runneth over, my heart skips beats, my babies are the most wonderful gift the creator has sent to me. I love them beyond words, beyond measure, beyond exhaustion. Saint Jude makes life better somehow- and it was already so damn good. I am so grateful for this beautiful little man. Oh, how I love them. It hurts a little bit. It hurts in the deepest part of my soul reserved for only my children and Matt.
My little rays of light, my Sun and my Saint and my heart just skipped another beat.
PS. Matt is reading over my shoulder and thinks this is the sappiest blog I’ve ever written. Maybe it is- but come on!!!!! He’s divine ( another heavenly word!)
Read More...
Forgive my brief absence. Everyday I’m hopeful that I’ll be delivering this baby, so I sit really still and forget to do thinks like send along pictures of Sunshine’s first day of school.
You’ll be happy to know that while the night before and hours leading up to her departure I cried like a baby, when the actual moment came I managed to pull myself together and carry on.
She walked into her classroom where she had a cubby (with mail in it) and a locker – both with her name! She took Miss Obie’s hand, and walked away from Matt and I without so much as a goodbye. They had a table full of my little pony dolls and apparently that’s all she needed to throw 2.5 years of one on one parenting right out the door! Matt and I then went to the office to fill out her paperwork and watch her on the monitor. She was happy and playing and that was that. On our way out we watched her class come out of their room and into the park area where they all lined up and sat politely on the “waiting bench”….all except our child who promptly stood in front of all the other kids with her hands on her hips. I thought- well that’s Gracen!
When we picked her up at the end of the day I did get a giant hug and her teachers had only wonderful things to say. She participated in music class- she loves to dance they said. Yes, she does! She helped make fruit salad in their cooking class, she slept at nap time, and painted a picture at crafts time. They said, it’s like she’s been coming here for forever. She never cried, didn’t ask about you, warmed up to everyone, and even gave us attitude at the end of the day. That’s when my face went from, that’s my girl!!!!! to, that’s my girl, ugh!
It’s funny how before taking her to preschool I thought of the other children as these monster kids. In my mind they’d be bigger kids with attitudes and motorcycle jackets. As it turns out almost all of them have a lovie doll, they don’t seem to mind Sunny’s imaginary friend ( although I’m not sure she went to school with us that day), and they are for the most part the same size or smaller than Sunny. They were these sweet, well loved, little munchkins who as it turns out, don’t bite, hit, or pull curls on curly headed girls.
I’m proud of my big girl, still a little sad that she’s growing up so quickly, but I’m moving toward acceptance….mostly because I have no other choice.
“The world slows down/
but my heart beats fast right now/
I know this is the part where the end starts/
I hate this part right here.”
Tomorrow this little lady starts nursery school.
As I warned you a few weeks ago, the tears have already started. Never mind that she was so difficult last week I almost called to see if they could take her early. That horrible day is now a distant memory as my sweet little angel sleeps peacefully in her bed.
I sat with new baby at 4:30 this morning pouring through film clips of Sunshine at 6 months old, at 1 years old, at 2…. It’s true what they say, it goes fast. I know she will be so happy to finally take her backpack and lunch box somewhere special tomorrow. She’ll meet her new teacher, she’ll make new friends, she will have a big life outside of me, but it’s the end of an era of sorts. That time when I was all the playmate she needed, passed a long time ago, and yet I still can’t seem to wrap my mind around life two days a week where she is somewhere where I will not know everything she did, ate, or thought. I spent hours at the grocery store yesterday trying to find the right combination of first day of school food- which as it turns out is highly processed cheese snacks and soy butter.
There I am in the aisles of Stop & Shop trying not to fast forward past Tuesday to her High School Graduation and they day we drop her off at Harvard- don’t judge me, it was a daydream, for the record Rutgers is great too and way more affordable. But for now she is 2 and headed to nursery school where I won’t be there to make sure that she is sharing and taking turns or to defend her when she gets pushed. Possibly the worst part (in my mind) is this overwhelming fear that her feelings will get hurt by another child. She jumps right in, never waits to be invited, and I LOVE that about her. But what if other kids don’t? What if they tell her she’s a baby because she has to sleep with her lovie, Pizza? Or what if they don’t think her imaginary friend Emme is cool? Or what if she spends the whole day only playing with Emme? How do I protect her heart?
I know I have to pull myself together, which is why today I am taking a road trip back to Brooklyn. It’s our last day together ( in this reality) and we’re going to spend it like we always do- at the park, in the sprinklers, with kids I know she loves and love her. I’m going to remind her that she’s the coolest kid that God ever made and that no matter what happens tomorrow… homeschooling is always an option.
Read More...
