A friend of mine recently asked me to discuss Sunny turning one.
It’s something that I know is coming, but I’m dreading it the way I dreaded giving birth or flossing my teeth nightly.
Sunny is my first baby. Whenever I thought of having a family or children I in-visioned a baby. I rarely saw a one year old, a two year old, a high school aged child. I saw myself with this tiny person, new and innocent, gentle and perfect. Sunny is turning one and as her Mommy I am not afraid to admit that I am scarred. I wonder often how I will disciple her, how I will teach her to be a strong but gentle, loving yet cautious. She will need this next year to learn about the world, about friends and playground rules, life and what it means to be apart of the family Matt and I have created for her. She will also know about Elmo and TV marketing, songs and activities, what it means when I say “night night” or “lets go”. What I say will have an impact on Sunny, who she is, what she does, and how she does it.
I am her Mother, her example, her teacher, and her mentor. I myself am still figuring out how to trust my instincts, believe in the unknown, put my faith in God, and stand just left of my comfort zone. I am still learning how to trust, forming my own opinions outside of those of my parents. I am still depending on Matt to remind me that giving is better than receiving, and that life is about love and passion and not money. I want to come to Sunny as a whole person, a complete being, a human who has accepted myself and who stands proudly in front of her, but I’m not there just yet. Me and Sunny will have to grow up together.
I wanted a daughter because I wanted someone to share my life with who would check on me when I’m old and senile and feels guilty leaving me in a home. How wrong was I not to realize that in truth, having a child ask you to remove the “you” from every equation.
So no, I’m not excited for my Sunshine to turn one year old, although I am very grateful for her continued life. Time is moving quicker than I can keep up with and my heart grows exponentially in her direction. It’s a guarded happiness, a natural fear, a letting go of my baby and accepting my toddler.
I have 26 days to pull it together. Count. Down. On.